Aaaaaahh...

Crazy puppies

Reminder: when watching tv and the dogs aren't around, check that the
back gate is closed. They just had a little adventure time and mama
had a little freakout time. But thanx to my whistling chops and
bicycle all is well and dogs are happy.! Punks.
;-)

Absolute destruction

Mulching maniacs !

Day 2

herder

the drakester is definitely a herder. He gave some cows today absolute hell and me a very hard time. I saw him go running full throttle toward the herd and he chased them all over barking his brains out. I went to my bag to get his leash and realized it had fallen out somewhere. So, backtracked and he had a field day, completely ignoring my whistles and calls. Punk! Then onto the leash he went, finally, but not until he scared a family by playing too rough with their pit bull. So now were at the tree memorial place looking out over the foggy view and I'm seeing just how slow this edge network really is. Bye!

Swimmerz!

SO- holey moley, where do I begin...
A lot's happened in the past 2 months that I've entirely neglected my blogosphere, my corner of the intrawebs, my website(s), communication, and outreach...

1stly, doggy #2 drake has entered our lives, and yesterday we went to the lake where sandy took the plunge and swam out on her own, got the frisbee (which was subsequently lost today out at Pt Isabel) and made me jump for joy... more images can be seen of the two of them here:



Other than doggy life, things have been up and down as usual, I'm getting used to being on a life roller coaster of having stability in routine but emotional insanity... work has been hectic- I'm either on my feet or on my ass all day long, and as soon as I'm given a promotion it's gone as quick as it came... poopheads. But, mom's coming out for a few days and it'll be so nice having her finally meet her gran-puppies and see the hubbub of La La Land as it is out here...

oxoxox

omg YAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! \o/

old and stanky, new hottness.

So last night I finished the last of the cleaning and carpet scrubbing at the old house, got the rest of our stuff out of the garage, and said good riddance to the Fogset and all that ickyness.

Wish us luck with the Psycho Devilbitch Zanger Monster Landlady from Transylvania Hell in getting our deposit back, she's going to want to pick and twitch and give herself a heart attack up until the very very very last minute when I tell her to NEVER CALL US AGAIN!!!!! Won't that be a sigh of relief. I'm dreading giving her that call to tell her we're even out of the place, I'm wanting to just let it be since it's a stupid and redundant question, since we're officially out on the 31st anyway, as per stated in our notice to vacate. PUNK.

Phew. Today's free BART day, I think, Spare the Air or something.

okay okay, time for a real update!

HELLO dollys
It's a sunny saturday, and I elected to sleep in for once, and deal with the rest of the cleaning and house trade off tomorrow- it feels oh so good to laze around the house and take in what a weekend would be like here in the new digs...
I stayed in bed for a while, relishing in the new luxurious and still slightly stinky mattress that I splurged two paychecks on - and what a great investment- in my mind, body, sleep patterns, all will be much much much better now with my tempura bed... Jump for joy!
AND THEN
did some laundry, took sandy pants for a walk down to the cawfee shop, chatted with ra ra, got some fish for dinner tonighta, and have spent some time now doing random stuffs - got the "lalabee" license plate for the car that i'll drive home from sfe, ordered a new tag for the pooch's collar, changed address at the dmv and microchip, unpacked some books ( I HATE MY BOOKSHELF ) and desperately want something cool for my room- maybe a big bed with shelves and storage and what not...

and then? half the day left- maybe we'll go to the track at the high school and run around, but only if her eye's better, she got all poofy again and now she's wearing her conehead, aww...

so happy day and didn't mean to worry anyone with the last post- there's just lots of stress about moving and shit stanks sometimes, but it's looking up now that we're closer to being done with it all... yep.

over nd out

Welcome back, La.

Hi.
I know I haven't written anything in a long time, and my brain has been begging for release. As if I've been denying myself something so basic for human need as breathing, walking, drinking water... my writing and expression just hasn't been easy. There have been a number of different things going on in my life that normally would warrant at least a biweekly diary entry, but I've been so apathetic and lazy and bothered in my head that it seems almost too much effort.
Hopefully, until only now.
It's Monday, and I've got a major case of it. Didn't sleep too well, relationship troubles in my mind and Sandy dog's eyeball boo boo on top of moving and truck coordination, things have been hectic. Not hectic enough to kill any excitement of the change: the new house has potential. Last night after talking out some of our aggression we took the rest out on the dog stained death smelling carpet in my bedroom. It was SO stanky that I could barely stand inside the room for more than a minute- the nausea came not in waves but as one 600' tsunami of displeasure. Hopefully we can work out some kind of deal with the landlordy for either a new carpet or a nice finish job on the wood- which is stained in more places than one from dog piss or death jelly or who knows what.
Regardless, of all the stress of moving and the lack of support from so-called friends and family who hold the holier-than-thou hipster mission attitude that we are living in butt-fuck Repuplicana Land, far from anything especially a trip to say hi...
So whether or not we're really on our own out there, it'll be our home, ours to love and fight in, though hopefully not the latter...
=o)

Blah

Happy almost birthday to me
happy almost birthday to meeee
happy almost biiiiirth dayyyy dear La La
happy almost birthday toooo me....

When/If we drive back from NM to Cali with my new old mom's car, I want to get the CA license plate : LALABEE ... I checked and it's available... woo!

Back from some travels...

So just got back from a few days in the Sierras- this time I took some photos with my N70 (as opposed to my D70) so we'll have to wait a few days before I can get the film developed... I'm trying to get back to my roots as a photographer, especially motivated now that I am going to have a space to set up a darkroom- something I've always wanted to have in my own home...


The camp was worth all the stress over leaving late and bickering and emotional-ness after all: it was cool, not too hot, not windy, no bugs, not too many screaming families, and enough firewood and marshmallows to last us... The lake was sparkly and blue, crisp clean water felt so refreshing and invigorating! At first we saw nothing but bad signs: "no dogs allowed" "pets STRONGLY DISCOURAGED" "no dogs on beach" and were a little perturbed at that, but we walked along the opposite shore and found all kinds of dogs running loose and swimming, chasing sticks and playing up a storm. All was well, we tried to get Sandy over her fear of swimming, Jefe picked her up and carried her out to a rock, she would have stayed there forever had he not picked her up and put her in fully swimming... poor girl!


These pics were sent to us from the pooch walker, she looks like she's having such a good time... wouldn't it be nice

Moving... again!

Hopefully for the last time in a while, too.
Found a house in San Leandro, suburbia, homely neighborhood and typical East Bay not-in-the city-ness. It's cute, it's big, it's comfy, it's... overwhelming.
The whole day yesterday after seeing the house I felt flushed, and mixed with excitement and anticipation, with stress and confusion. I know I like it, I know it'll be different... good to get out of the city, but something in me doesn't entirely know that I "LOVE" it.
Anyway, I haven't even heard from J whether we really got it or not.

@ the hill.

dooby doo...
so went to see that house in montara today
even if we don't get it i'm glad we saw the area
i'll keep my eye out for other rentals there, maybe some buying opportunity? yeah right. in a million years.

jurassic park is old school.

...perfect...perfect...

how many of my posts start with "saturday" ?

Well not surprisingly that's what day it is... big whoop!
Since I stayed out rather late last night, way past my average bedtime, I had little trouble falling asleep...
Last night some maxxers drove in from LA to hang out with the cult leader himself, and mrs. themaxx, and a couple of their friends.
Since i'd been "drinking" since 3 in the afternoon, by the time they showed up I was already tipsy, in the terms of me, which means not much, but enough to get me goofy and near belligerent.
Side note- Sandy is whining right now for no good reason! Sometimes I catch her just staring off into space, talking to herself, and acting uncomfortable, it's kinda strange, in a cute way... She is an oddball. There were all the big dogs from the neigborhood at the hill tonight, and one guy with his little poodle, Tootsie, had chicken treats and Sandy was the most annoying beggar ever, as to be expected, but it was a good visit to the hill nonetheless. When we do move, I know I'm going to miss the hill, its view, the dogs there... sigh...
Anyway, so I came home at 2 am through some of the thickest fog I've ever experienced riding, and was soaked as if it were rain, and could barely see anything. I really have to figure out how to stop that glare from the headlight on my shield, and also I wonder why they call my helmet shield "anti-fog" when it's worse than actual fog itself!
And Jefe kissed me on his way out, rousing me from a headachy odd dream, can't quite recall it right now but it was crazy...
Tomorrow we go check out that house in Montara (crossing fingers...)
And now I'm researching a higher yielding savings account, considering changing banks, and then I'll finish up watching Pan's Labyrinth- to catch more cool details I missed the first time... Awesome movie! Robin have you seen it yet???
xoox

Swim, sandy, SWIM!

Yesterday was the 4th, obviously, and we went up to Sausalito and hung out in the sun with Jan and Cassie and her friends and kids. It was HOT and hot... first I met them down at a taco shop and got a yummy shrimp taco, and Sandy got lots of attention, and barked just a little, and stood up on the fence looking cute and annoying as ever.
Then Austin, the 8 or 9 yr old walked Sandy, or rather, Sandy pulled him up the street and off to the "beach" we went... it was more like a sand-bar, a kayak launch pad, sandwiched between two harbor docks. The sand was scalding hot and after about 10 minutes of standing out there by the shore, tossing the ball and squirrel thing to Sandy while Jan and Austin dug in the water, I had had enough sun... then Cassie and what's her face came with beer and they moved us into the shade of the dock... a good choice, that's for sure. Sandy was driving me nuts, grabbing cookies and sandwiches from picnics, obviously having the same effect on Jan since he kept controlling her more than I was, and after a time he had a bit of a dog-whisperer moment or two with her... funny. There were a few dogs who came along and played, some real good swimmers and ball chasers! I kept trying to get her to swim out to grab her squirrel, and she pussed out over and over again, and girls in their suits would swim out to get it and Sandy'd gingerly grab it from their hands... silly girl! As we were leaving after ~5 hours of beachin, I took her fish butt out to the dock where there was a hose attached near the boats, and I sprayed her down, always entertaining... And then, she lost her clumsy footing, and kerplop! into the bay she went! HA! so NOW you can swim, when you're forced to, silly pup! She had a look on her face, like holy shit how do I get out of this mess! She kept going back and forth, until I grabbed her by the legs and hauled her up onto the dock again, at which point she immediately started chasing the hose again, completely forgotten the fact that she was just SWIMMING in who knows how deep water...
Hah.

i want i want i want

... my stupid chair to come to work already
bring it dammit, ups...

So I'm going crazy. Completely bat ass crazy. But we knew that already...
I had a dream the other night, like 2 nights ago or something, right as I was kindof awake, since Sandy had shook her head or made some noise I was half awake and falling back asleep, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a man flying into the side of the house through the window, as if he were a big dumb swallow about to crash into the sunroom glass, like when i was younger...
It really scared me and I shouted, waking myself up for real, noticed that Sandy was startled wondering why I just yelled, my heart pounding... it was weird!

anyway, tomorrow's supposedly going to be nice and hot out, so I'll take the pup to the beach, maybe, then down to meet up with jeff if they allow dogs where he is, and hang out for the fireworks... hopefully she won't be freaked!

got some cute shots of her and this little dog at the hill last night, upload later...

denver. united. hell.

So yesterday was probably the longest day I've ever had ... Well, I can't prove that, but it sure felt like it: started off getting up early and getting the freebie bad breakfast at the hotel- watching the fatties go straight for the donut tray while I munched on yogurt and oatmeal. The coffee was so bad that I spat it out and had to go with tea- I can't believe they really serve that pre-made gunk and call it coffee.
Then I rushed to pack my stuff and didn't have time for a shower, got to dad's house to take him to his rehab and parked, walked upstairs, tripped out because he didn't answer my call, "ready to start your hab?" and went down to the car where he was waiting... I went up and he went down...
His hospital looks like a nursing home- with a big staircase and nice carpeting and a fireplace and a piano and nice couches- a café and a gift store and an upstairs view of the lake. The only thing missing was old people being wheeled around the lake to feed the missing geese. Add that and dad would be at home... ;-)
Then, after he was pooped from his first day at hab, took him to IHOP where we both had an egg-substitute garden scramble... I know that with the lack of available healthy food unless you spend more and cook organic at home for yourself, it's going to be hard to motivate himself to eat healthily and not end up an obese diabetic corn munching beef eating mullet man in Iowa.
Best of luck with that one, pops.
After driving him home I spent about an hour finishing the Wicked book down by the river. It was calm, semi-cloudy, humid and nice... A good way to leave the place behind for now...
The flight from Moline to Denver was fine, and uneventful. On time and pleasant enough for a small and uncomfortable plane like all planes...
Then Denver turned into the Hellish nightmare airport of my undreams.
First the plane to SFO is delayed for unknown reasons. When it gets there it's got a hydraulic leak. They updated us every 45 minutes or so until after the 3rd update they finally cancelled the flight. I rushed to the counter to book another- got an automated phone call from United telling me I was successfully booked on the flight out tomorrow morning. Uh, no thanks. I got the flight to Oakland leaving another hour and a half later, and THAT plane has problems with the A/c! So another hour later they update us to tell us that they've found another plane to use, but it doesn't leave until 8:40 (two hours later!!!). So I got to know the shops and floor around gate B44 real well.

Finally on my way to Oakland, the kid behind me kicks my seat the whole way and my neck was cricked to one side from leaning on my tray table the whole flight. And the flight attendant forgot to get me my pillow. The whole time I'm simultaneously crossing my fingers hoping my bag made it through the 3 plane confusion in Denver and cursing the airline for all its fuckups- even the little light didn't work so I couldn't keep reading my cool new book- "Special Topics in Calamity Physics", Marisha Pessl, Penguin 2006.
SO
Yet while in Denver I chatted with some guy who was on the SFO flight and made it on another SFO flight, and met up with this guy Mick who used to work at Mission and I'd bought parts from and knows Amy. And, got a voucher for ground transport back into the city, and a $100 ticket voucher, lest I revert to having to use United ever again...
And, landed at about a quarter to 11. My bag never made it. No representative at the United counter. Pissed off people and laptop punching assholes were all angry about one thing or another.
The bag lady did hook up a travel voucher after standing there breathing down her neck for a long half hour, what felt like all night...
I went outside thankful for fresh air, and went up to the first shuttle I saw, the Russian driver guy had no idea what this voucher was, but took me anyway, with an old lady, an old guy, a young lady and a young gay couple. He drove slowly, too slowly for 12 AM and got all the way to the bridge before the lady said anything about being dropped off in Oakland, so we backtracked after the guy worked out his GPS and that took at least a half hour off the whole thing... Then we made it through, and after dropping everyone off by 1:15am I walked upstairs to be greeted by a scrunchy puppy face wagging to see me and a groaning sleepy boy keeping my bed warm...
Ah it's nice to be back.
Today my bag came delivered to work!~ and my Russ bear and my laptop and everything in it seems to be in order... Sigh of relief!
Thanks a bunches, life, you dealt me another good go...

Busted Cam

Oh how I do wish my camera hadn't broken the first day I got here, I've had only this crappy camera phone that doesn't do justice...
Otherwise I would have been taking photos of Tommy the Tomato Plant being put in his barrel, and Buster on the fence watching intently, and other stuff I'm sure.
Supposedly after looking on the Canon website, the camera has a historical problem and maybe I'll be able to send it back for free servicing.
Phooey.

day 4 moline

This morning we went to services at the Tri Cities Jewish Center in Rock Island, IL - a nicely landscaped and well funded brick place. Dad had only been there once before but was welcomed warmly back and the Rabbi came up to us a few times and wished best of all, and mentioned him a few times during service. He went up there with all the alta kakas and read the torah, he sang hebrew proudly even though he didn't have the breath for it, beaming with the surprise warmth and even though he walked slowly there was a bit of a spring in his step. The family that has been helping him are a sweet folk, they remind me slightly of the Navy version of Mary and the boys, the middle one having his bar mitzvah next weekend, and the girl and other boys ranting about their fun at camp Mahna Mahna. It was sweet...

Then we went downtown to the John Deere center to buy a tractor, and there was the "taste of quad cities" get fat and eat bbq festival on the street. I had been surprised on Wednesday when I noticed them blocking off the streets for a fair happening three days later... but that's how it works in a small town- they've got all the time in the world to get it right, and it's not like it's inconveniencing anyone.
Lots of pink, pastel colors, John Deere hats and shirts, fat people, mullets...

THEN we went to Bettendorf Iowa to a post-church lunch with a coworkers of Dad's - a pristine American house set on a large green lot at the back of "Manor drive" - huge well to do family homes, giant yards and trees, set between corn fields. The house was... stuffy, religious, clean. Bad generic paintings on the wall. A wooden duck fetish. Antique dolls. A smiling and happy three year old greeted us at the front door with a loud and cute lispy nearly unintelligible babble, and shyly opened up her tractor toy, and ran screaming around the freshly vacuumed white carpeted place for her kitty... We ate a healthy home cooked meal which was quite good, talked about health, etc... one thing that stuck out was how the mother referred to some black people they had staying with them for a night as "the blacks"...
Afterward we went downstairs to the newly renovated garage storage area where immediately I was struck blind by the amount of fluorescent light and office ceiling tile... gah. And the sight of all the Jesus videos and books on the shelf, and a dvd title "only one race" struck me dumb. And the dad told of how he took an axe and sledge hammer to a 100 year old upright piano because he couldn't find anyone to take it out of there...


Buster the neighbor dog. -------------------->

Then, took the old man home to relax and now I'm back at the hotel, about to crack open a beer, maybe go sweat some calories at the gym... I still haven't done the tomato plant thing for Dad yet- chances are I'm kinda over driving around today, so hopefully I can find a nursery open on Sunday - if not, there's always Wal-Mart (which according to the guy are now in Brazil)...

Boring, IL

Uh, oops, that's supposed to be written "Moline"... Really it's not that boring, but it is HOT and MUGGY and HUMID and STICKY and WHITE and FAT and Amuricun.
Arrived yesterday to a practically empty airport, no other planes in sight- as soon as I stepped outside the blazing sun hit me and it felt heavy on me - worse than any hot heat I felt visiting Florida or somewhere South, and hotter than the dry desert heat...
Called a cab, waited for a while, shared it with a cussing cell-phone chatting young thug, and got dropped off first, the stinky fat coughing cancerous driver silent most of the way...
Dad's house is in a cute green hilly neighborhood in Moline, an empty town of nothing but houses and spread out buildings with the A/C blasting and brick facades, parking lots full of John Deere tractors and Ford trucks. It's a sweet little upstairs apartment, perfect for him and the yowling cat to share-
We tired out early after driving around erranding in Iowa and IL - crossing the border a couple times a day during the run around is no biggy.
He's old, tired and grumpy, but all due I'm sure...
Got a visitors pass to the Army Island yesterday and today went to see his coworkers- fat and nice people, stuck in their army cubicle fluorescent building eating doughnuts and clucking away on their Dells. It seems like a nice enough place to work- a short drive across the bridge for him each day, or a nice bike ride downhill- I have hopes he'd do this in fair weather, otherwise he'd get to work a sweat ball and have to shower in the Mississippi...
The hotel is SO cheezy it surpasses the bounds of anything that is corn and riduculousity. The slogan is "experience the great outdoors indoor" in and of itself an offense of bad grammar (I think) - with bad decoration around every corner and even a fake wood log pole in my room.
The bike path today seemed my only escape, and my only relief from the heat ironically being in the heat itself- the cool breeze as I rode dad's too tall for me and painful on my ass bike, I saw why he moved here... It's clean enough- I've seen no crackheads or homeless people, no graffiti... lots of railroads and brick buildings, big trees and the river, ducks and horrible food. His heaven.
It feels good to drive him around and watch him read his 379 emails after not seeing his computer for 3 weeks...
Kinda lonely life, but he seems to have a few friends... ;)
Uh dunno what else...

NEWS FLASH!!

New word added to dictionary:

"ELANA": ee-law-n-uh: verb: "To be ultimate idiot"; "To make boo-boo"; "To leave one's Brain at home"; "To squeeze little intelligence out of head to no avail"; "To live and breathe all existence on cloud nine"; "To be in La-La Land";

Please, tell me... has anyone else done this before: Take train downtown, buy a few items at Old Navy downtown. Put items in Old Navy plastic shopping bag. Go to Ross down the block. Go downstairs. Put bag down to check out luggage. Pick new luggage. Return upstairs. Purchase luggage. Put back-pack in luggage. Leave store. Take crowded train home. Arrive upstairs. Unpack new luggage. Search through compartments. Ding. Realize Old Navy shopping bag is not around. DUH! Call Ross store. Say "please check to see if my bag is there". FART ON MY FACE. So there's $52 down the drain. Open beer. MMm. Beer.

AAAAaaaeraerararrrrrararaggghgh.

time to cry

I absolutely hate shows like these but this clip really had me smiling and crying out my ears!

boont and a pupper dawg

On a semi foggy day... I spent the morning shopping for essentials, and a greek-flared snack medley, which makes a great breakfast: (tomatoes, cucumbers, olive oil, kalmata olives and feta cheese)... also some hummus and crackers, etc. Mm...

So now Sandy pants and I are lazing around nside the house, I just vaccuumed a bit and swept up some after taking her to the beach this morning.
There must have been 13 labs there: 7 yellows, 2 goldy/browns, 2 chocolates, and 2 black labs... I kept joking that it must be Lab day at the beach but none of the other people seemed to laugh or care to converse... whatevah...
She got into a stick-grabbing tussle with a black lab and it was cute, but when she started begging for treats the other people were having none of it. She is a mighty beggar, for sure... Now she's curled up on the chair with a tennis ball tucked neatly under her neck by being hugged by her arm... too cute!

So just waiting for Josh's return call to chat about whether he's available and willing to share the Dad wishes of transport and care for two weeks... I was looking around a bit online for prices of flights, and $547 if I don't wait much longer seems like the average base price. Then I'd want to sleep in a hotel, I'd insist, in fact, for want of privacy in his studio apartment, but be entirely willing to get up very early and help Dad around the house, assuming that he'd allow me access to the Batmobile to take him shopping and to work for a few hours a day. I do want to help out as much as I can, and as much as I can afford to take off work would be 4 or 5 days at the most, so ... whatever.

AND there you have it... the little blurb of what's going on in my head right now... Trying to pass the saturday away slowly and soak up in my time off after being on my feet for a week straight... If only I could train the pupper dawg to give me a foot massage all would be perfect. A sunny day, with nothing to do, freshly unwatched videos from the rental store, a brand new hill a few blocks away that we've slated a sunset-watching ceremony in a few hours...

oh noes!

hippidy dippidy dawg
my dog lays around like a log
and when she's not layin
she's runnin round playin
and bouncin around like a frog

waah.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

blargh.

uh
i'm braindead. don't feel too hot.

Say WHAT?

So. Not much to report today, haven't spoken to the family yet but I did get a little note from my mom. Maybe I'll go out to IL and take care of my dad for a week or so next month, we'll see how that goes.
This morning I rode the pooch around the park in circles for a while and can't help but wonder how she does it, inside cooped up all day long with nothing to do but sleep... I wonder what she thinks about? Probably nothing, and her kong most likely only entertains her for less than an hour or so... lucky dawg.
...
more later, kinda blank right now.

update...?

He's allright... fell asleep halfway thru a sentence on the phone this morning.

Robin said the surgery was successful last night - that 3 out of his 4 arteries were clogged to shit and he had a minor heart attack... I'm sure that if he hadn't followed thru on his paranoid dad going to the hospital thing that he would have had a "major" one sooner rather than later.

Anyway I'm sure he'll be fine.

Wicked.

So.

I woke up with a screaming headache this morning, my brain swollen and about to start squirting out of my ears and nose... with a little love, fuzzy kisses, cup of frothy coffee and a couple advil the holiday started.

What a Lazy day, with a Capital L.

Started off after remedying my noggin with watching a little bit of "fur" an imaginary story of Diane Arbus. (Weird.)

Then breakfast sammich of egg and havarti and salami, then on the bikes with Sandy to the park, where lots of families bbq'd and celebrated a day off from work and fog with brews and company.

Got a call from an old "friend" if you could ever call him that, Brandon, who after speaking with reminded me of some of the old days in NM, pyromania and oddity, I kinda didn't want to hang out with him after talking with my family...

Who, told me by way of wills that my father had taken himself to a hospital somewhere in Nebraska after (probably a breakfast of greasy spoon cholesterol filled crap) feeling some "chest pain" and had undergone surgery at that moment.

I still haven't heard from anyone yet, and I'm about to call Josh and see what the deal is now, hours after the initial phone call he should be hopefully out of surgery. I don't know, how long does heart bypass clogged artery surgery last? What is it, angina?

If he doesn't stop eating donuts, greasy cafeteria food, burgers and fast food after this episode, it'll stop him.

So fingers crossed for the old man. I wish I was on my way to help out with the truck packed full of all his goods on the way to Illinois, I wish I were there to hug my brother and mother and see my old man to knock some sense into his guilty unhealthy jewish head again...

BAH.

Well found a photo of a baby version of Sandy (spittin' image if I do say so myself) on some cuteproject.com website to cheer me up-

umbbum bumm

I do feel like an idiot slob for not going to Muir beach/woods with J this morning, but I definitely do not blame myself for not wanting to freeze my already semi-sick ass off and spend hours in the chilly fog bored of my bottom while he loads in/out and Sandy and I can't take any more foggy hiking...
So I preemtively saved myself from all my dreaded

Fucking hell. Flogger just erased my "saved" draft up to here and wouldn't publish. GARWOINGDNGAD.

what i was SAYING is that I didn't go and I'm glad I didn't. We still went for a frigid breezy couple of hour long bike ride thru the park and stuff, and hit walgreens on the way back. And I'm glad I have blankets and my couches and my cuddly pooch to ride out this lonely day, because I miss the shitdick and hope he's not having too crappy of a gig, in fact eating lots of ribs and drinking lots of beer and driving back here safely ASAP so I can attack him with gooey things to say.

fog

I'm pretty sure I've already previously mentioned this too-often-said phrase attributed to Mark Twain (but for some reason it's a rumor whether he really said it or not...) "The coldest winter I ever knew was a summer in San Francisco..." and, it's true.

Last night J came home from working another hellish gig and was nonstop complaints about the frigidity inside the house... but my argument is: the bathroom molds over and smells stanky rank if the window's closed, and going back to my days of youth- year round sleeping near the window with the breeze on my face, I need the fresh air, especially in such fat and disgusting company... : P

Anyway with layers on, Sandy and I spent the morning kinda straightening up the house- I unpacked some more books and put them on the stand next to my bed, in hopes that I will be more inspired to read, and I laughed when I unpacked the 3rd book with a bookmark in place, (a habit probably gained from my mom, I'm always reading at least 2 at a time)... Still reading Wicked and Sophie's Choice.

I vacuumed and swept a bit, and then we went for a long bike ride through the park trails, and to the beach, where Sandy got into quite a long and aggressive play session with a group of big dogs, she was almost learning to stand up for herself! But along came Mr. Ranger Man on his high horse and that ended the play sesssion but not late enough to put a stop to the parade of dogs that crashed into the unsuspecting couple out for their foggy Saturday stroll on the seashore... Made me laugh- that's what you get for walking right into a group of maniac pooches!

Then since she was covered in sand and mud, I took a path back through the horse training arena where there is a water spigot off the trail and sprayed her down with some funny looks from passers-by. She is too adorable with water!

And, now, I'm home staying warm (trying, anyway) and reluctant to do dishes or make myself a salad, which I'll get to soon when the laziness subsides... Ha, like that'll ever happen. And, then to watch the rest of the Stand.

Word.

tgif

Oh bother...
It was SO ridiculously hard to get out of bed this morning... Aside from Sandy leaning up against my leg and Jeff incessantly snoring, I wanted to fade back into dreams so badly... And, I've been lollygagging my way thru editing more today, re-vamping up the promos to include a "previously on" bit as well as a "to be continued..." to suck in the viewers more, easy enough.
Oh bother...
I've been trying to get ahold of mary mary lately, and hoping she's doing well in HI, not working too hard and getting some good snorkeling in, things I wish I could get a whole lot of right about now.
I've also been researching a little bit about taking the pooch to NM for Zozobra this year, and hoping that it's not going to be too stressful for her or too expensive for me. I know we'd love to have her there and she'd get a kick out of NM and Sesame, if he's not picky with her...
I just bought some boots, some winter ones and those harness motorcycle ones, sorry Jeff you're just going to have to deal with the cheesey fact that we have similar pairs or buy something else! MwahHahahahaaa.
So whatevah
threeday weekend here I come
;-)

AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Gad.
There's only so much fucking sitting on my ass editing this shit I can do in a week!!!
I'm going NUTS. I've edited 4 updates in 4 days, spitted a movie and done all the promos too. I"M GOING INSAANNENEAAEKLNEAOINFI NOE:IGHE OIFN;gijh ai;knd[oeraifj

genocide/apartheid

Last night we watched "Blood Diamond" about the trade and smuggling of diamonds in Sierra Leone... they said a lot about how killing each other in Africa is a way of life... It was depressing.
But, seems like all over the world, killing each other is a way of life. Stupid homo sapiens always do things to kill ourselves, self medicate, make life a little more "interesting", always on the edge of constant crisis.
What right do we have? I suppose we can only do what we are bred to do.

how come I can never think of a decent title for these posts?

This is from a letter/message/posty thing to Nato last week.
I figured it still sums up some of the things going on for me today, a week later. And, it's still inspirational on writing...

I spent the day in my head, again... And it doesn't bother me, although when I say that to myself I feel the familiar twitch below my eye that signifies it's not entirely true.
My mom used to say she saw my dad's nose twitch when he'd lie, and I remember trying to make him lie about something, and staring at his face, trying to catch the twitch. I never really saw it.

Now, when I lie to myself about not being lonely, I can't even wait for the answer of whether or not I believe myself, because no matter, I already know.

Once, while on the phone with my brother not long after I'd left NM, he told me not to be bothered by lonliness, in the end all you really have is yourself. Years later a fortune from a fortune cookie seconded his thoughts: "If you can befriend yourself, you'll never be lonely". I keep it my wallet, synonymously I keep my brother in my heart.

He's doing it- and I'm proud of him. To Italy, to Spain, to British Columbia- already been offered to take his Masters for free. See, he's got a silly blog like me, too... (I think, he doesn't tell me much anymore, so most of my info are rumors from mom, or otherwise.) He's humble; he had support in numbers show up for what he called his "junior recital" but was more in reality a real concert, with pride beaming from his modest fingers, bowing and plucking and beaming along with Beethoven and Dittersdorf and concertos for viola and bass... and a part of me feels left behind. I left myself behind when I shunned the violin; at the time it wasn't my wont of expression, and now a piece of me feels missing that I haven't really filled... maybe it wasn't mine to fill.

But to hear that what's yours to feel and enjoy, stress and embrace, makes me smile. Maybe you've got a handle on some lonliness with it, at times, when it allows you to take it in and breathe it, relinquish yourself to song, expression...

The everyday gets easier, and gets harder again, like an ocean with surf that takes dogs and babies and divers to its depth. I sink into singularity when it comes, and wash it off when it goes, down the drain yet I know it's only sitting there in the graywater tanks, being wasted, not being cleaned for use elsewhere... waiting.

So, I ride my danger-bike to work in the morning, spend hours shooting and editing racy content that is shockingly immoral to most, yet gives more the release and entertainment that they crave, and it pays my bills, and I know it opens some doors and closes others. Now to say it doesn't bother me, this time is not a lie. But it bothers me that it bothers those close to me, not knowing how to explain why fetishists like fetishes, and why I have no problem feeding off of their fetishes for my survivial. An article came out recently that made me sigh with relief, realizing that the Mass Media has somewhere been infiltrated by those who are more in the know, and not afraid to shed light on what life is really like, not push more shame and lie that everything is okay.

And, I come home to escape to canine slobber, hair concentrated on every inch of every item I sit on, wear and walk on... She takes me to an alternate universe, one where nothing matters but smells and fresh air, water, trails, shaggy tails, balls and love. I can't stay mad at her for long, when she snags a tortilla off the counter or doesn't come out from under the bleachers at the park, the sniffing too overwhelming.

She takes me away from the stress of everyday life... and brings her own to it. But, c'est la vie... step by step and day by day...

Ciao.

i want i want i want

to go to the beach
should i pack up a bag and put it on my bike?
trail the pooch along leashed beside me?
or walk...
the 20+ blocks to the ocean and back
riding there would be faster
tire the pup out quicker
walking there would be a pain in the ass with a heavy bag
unless i can stuff my backpack full
and it will still be heavy
but easier to ride the bike...
chadummb
that's what we'll do

daw

What the hell is this "Loyalty Day" bullshit? Propaganda for more support the war shit or you're a treasonist? This is majorly uncalled for. It's a scene out of some movie or something... the president reaching to the farthest confines of someone else's soul to pull out this crap that is, obviously written by someone paid to write things like this, and thought up by some advisor for no good reason at all.
This country has its head up its arse, and no good thing can come of this. What, are we supposed to wear red-white-and blue on this day, too? Fly the Flag or face persecution?
WHY does he think we are the bestest over everyone else? Fcuk. Taht. Bullshte.

Funny how it's Amnesty International Day in the rest of the world.

Anyway. here's another darling photo of the postcard perfect pupper.




bah.

oo feeelings nothing but feeeeeelings

hello
it's monday
after a weekend of sun and some wind and doggy love
not much to report
a bridge/"maze" section of highway collapsed after a fire
and i'm sure people who drive that way are hating life with packed transit, but at least it's free for them
and less cars on the road for a while, maybe.
people feel air, heat or not
and i'm about to munch a quiche. yum.
SO
there you are.

wtf unsettling, much??

If there's one thing about our relationship that blows, it's both of our pig-headedness and selfishness always outdoing each other. There was no reason for him to hang up on me like that and now that I think about it, it's not the awkward conversation that pissed me off but the confusion I have now that I don't honestly know if it was intentional because he was angry at my dumbness or if he just accidentally hung up because his new phone sucks. And the thing that pisses me off the most is our equal reluctance to call back and finish the conversation and let it end well, either him call me back and say sorry I didn't mean to hang up, or for me to call him back and say "Just come and get my stoopid ATM card and figure it out, I'm at work and can't just leave, sorry." See, it's pointless interactions like that that make me analyze and think way too much, knowing in the end it doesn't matter, we love each other just fine still... Right?

$4.80

$4.80 - That's how much my new sunglasses cost me today at that big yellow store by the BART station. That's cheap! I was almost going to go and spend too much time and too much money at the mall on my lunch hour, or go to walgreens and pay twice that much for something way more ugly and that would hurt my head. But, it's good to know that if I lose these ones or whatever that shit is rather cheap at that store. Also they had these cute tees for the same price, and rings too.
What is this, am I acting like a girl now, tempted to go shopping? There are a lot of cute things there, I just don't have the patience or the creativity ingrained in me to try on new things, skirts or dresses or shoes or whatever...
I do need to grow up though, and stop dressing like a slob, and get more in touch with my fem side... I know it's there, but when you've already got a steady bf, why draw more attention to myself? No need, and I'm too lazy anyway.
TTFN

more sandy sandy sandy

wet dawg.

Here's our pup going crazy for the water hose...

Today we went for a wet walk in the rainy park, she jumped in every muddy puddle possible and now she's pooperd out next to me on the couch... what a sweetheart!

pft.

The energies in your life are reaching a culmination now. This is the time to try to bring your affairs to a climax, but do not expect to escape opposition from other people, for others have ambitions that may be in conflict with yours. Even with those aspects of your life that have been working out well and are now reaching a climax, you are not yet past the critical point. To achieve is one thing, but to incorporate these achievements into your life and make them part of your personal growth is something else. You have built structures and organized your life in various ways, and now you will experience the consequences of these structures as they begin to react and influence your life. Yet you still have the creative power to determine how your own creations will recreate you.

Danger, Watch OUT!

Touchy and irritable
This influence can be quite difficult. You are inclined to feel touchy and irritable and to regard almost any communication from another person as a challenge. And you will make this attitude so clear to people that they may even tread lightly around you for fear of setting you off. Anyone who crosses you will be told off in no uncertain terms. The worst way to handle this influence, but what you are most likely to do, is to identify your own ego with what you believe or think. This will make you act as if your very life were threatened, which of course it is not. If you have to fight for your beliefs, this influence can be a help, but don't look for a battle or create an issue where none exists.

getting there. that's how i'd.

So the 4 long ass days at BAVC hasn't been a complete waste of time. On the last boring day I made this short:


out and about. how would you?

UPDATE: Link broken until I can get the long ass uncompressed video uploaded. Sorry.

no weekend for me

It's been almost too long since I've picked up a pen or typed on a keyboard and put down some emotions and thoughts. I neglect my own expression as I neglect other things in life; the effort I take to exercise of my mind falls as short as the lack of effort to exercise my body.

Reading is since limited to few Sandman comics when my brain is drained and I'm sick of sitting slouched on the couch watching movies. Movies. Movies. movies. Rent so many, finish so few. I find myself so drained of any interest and energy when eating junk and feeling fat and lazy that my eyes droop and sleep overtakes me, the Sand from ol' Morpheus clogging my vision and overwhelming me in my day to day being...

I have books. Why don't I pick them up? I laze and complain, and waste away nights at home, arguing forgivable obtuse things which only escalate the annoyance between us, lessening a respectable existence and inching us closer towards spite.

It sucks, and I can't imagine any way to quell our nitpicking other than him getting angry at me being quiet, and me saying something that ends up in a pointless argument.

It's a fine line, I suppose, and continuing along pushing the effort to be considerate towards one another and helping out where needed, even when it's not asked for. This is important to me. It's a hard thing to ask for if it's not already ingrained and instinctual, and for whatever reason I feel both of us resisting the natural urge to be pleasant. I don't want us to take each other for granted. I don't want to be the butt of his stress, nor me to take out anger and annoyance on him, to stress our energy is pointless, useless, aggravating and... all of the above.

The bottom line is these things have been on my mind, and the need for me to vent has been overwhelming but is it worth any result? Would the comsequence be of any consequence? These are things I need to discuss out loud, not in front of any television, not in front of any distraction. Cuddled up in our home, pup and selves, warm and enjoyed in each other's company, these are necessities. Since I work long hours and he works long odd hours, our hours have rarely meshed, and when they do they are often badly filled with bullshit. 'Snot right. I'm sorry.

Love, tha's right.

it's alive!

woot