All that and it's finally done.
Goldie is our new buddy, and I can't wait to finally take her home this week!
26 November 2006
goldie
All that and it's finally done.
Goldie is our new buddy, and I can't wait to finally take her home this week!
17 November 2006
unexpected consequences
This from my horrorscope today:
This influence can produce some rather unexpected events, for it influences you to seek excitement and new experiences through love and creativity. The effects can vary considerably, because this influence always produces unexpected consequences. For instance, it can produce an unexpected disruption in an existing love relationship, caused by your feeling that things have become dull and routine. You seek excitement, and if it is not forthcoming, you may become quite irritable. Or something unexpected but not necessarily unfavorable may happen. Sometimes this influence suddenly produces a new relationship from a totally unexpected quarter or with a person who is radically different from anyone you know. A relationship that begins during this time is usually exciting but unstable.
All fairly true.
This influence can produce some rather unexpected events, for it influences you to seek excitement and new experiences through love and creativity. The effects can vary considerably, because this influence always produces unexpected consequences. For instance, it can produce an unexpected disruption in an existing love relationship, caused by your feeling that things have become dull and routine. You seek excitement, and if it is not forthcoming, you may become quite irritable. Or something unexpected but not necessarily unfavorable may happen. Sometimes this influence suddenly produces a new relationship from a totally unexpected quarter or with a person who is radically different from anyone you know. A relationship that begins during this time is usually exciting but unstable.
All fairly true.
13 November 2006
rain.
absolutely sucks.
drying my skin out, my back hurts and I'm full of complaints on a Monday.
People were strange as ever on the muni today, one guy loudly and obnoxiously shouting out "good morning governor mom how are you good morning governor dad how are you" over and over, cussing in between. And, of course the train I got on wasn't going downtown, so I had to get off in the rain and wait for another N, packed and airtight, uncomfortable and hard to breathe... as it should be.
... looking forward to another lazy evening at home, unstuffed peppers with rice and lentils and curling up with hot tea and the Sandman, then heroes. My half of the ultimate favorite couch tv cuddling position is already aching for the other, and a wet day of dog will surely bring stories of mud to my ears tonight...
get me out of here...
mood: isn't it obvious
music: nothing but the sound of the rain
drying my skin out, my back hurts and I'm full of complaints on a Monday.
People were strange as ever on the muni today, one guy loudly and obnoxiously shouting out "good morning governor mom how are you good morning governor dad how are you" over and over, cussing in between. And, of course the train I got on wasn't going downtown, so I had to get off in the rain and wait for another N, packed and airtight, uncomfortable and hard to breathe... as it should be.
... looking forward to another lazy evening at home, unstuffed peppers with rice and lentils and curling up with hot tea and the Sandman, then heroes. My half of the ultimate favorite couch tv cuddling position is already aching for the other, and a wet day of dog will surely bring stories of mud to my ears tonight...
get me out of here...
mood: isn't it obvious
music: nothing but the sound of the rain
11 November 2006
imgs host
imgshost.com hasn't been online for the past couple days, meaning certain images I've linked to from there are no longer coming up... for instance my background image for this blog...
maybe it's time for some photoshop action? something new?
maybe it's time for some photoshop action? something new?
definite enjoyment
I think I really do like this performancing thing. I never liked the look and feel of Blogger, and this allows me to post, and take my time doing it, think about what I'm writing, and on my little screen where real-estate is limited, I can surf and still think, and chill and change pages up there, while scratching in ideas about life down here...
Works for me. Now, another thing I've wanted for a while is the ability to sync my bookmarks on all my browsers- at work, here on both firefox and safari. Not sure if there's a way to do it besides opting into a .mac account, or buying some shareware that'll be buggy and not worth it.
Nevermind.
headaches suck.
so does being hungry and lazy, and the only thing around is more lazy.
Works for me. Now, another thing I've wanted for a while is the ability to sync my bookmarks on all my browsers- at work, here on both firefox and safari. Not sure if there's a way to do it besides opting into a .mac account, or buying some shareware that'll be buggy and not worth it.
Nevermind.
headaches suck.
so does being hungry and lazy, and the only thing around is more lazy.
09 November 2006
05 November 2006
yearning.
for a road trip.
i want to go backpacking, hiking in the mountains with my dog, my mister, and me- ride out on squirmy roads to places where few signs of other people exist, and this is the biggest and most diverse state to do it in...
i want to go exploring! to surprise valley, the place right on the cusp of oregon and california- modoc national forest... sitting here with the atlases by my side and google maps on the screen, my curiosity and antsyness has me by the balls, gripping my imagination and i want to run!
play and dream under the sky, with the companionship of my man and my pooch, when we find the right one...
arr
i want to go backpacking, hiking in the mountains with my dog, my mister, and me- ride out on squirmy roads to places where few signs of other people exist, and this is the biggest and most diverse state to do it in...
i want to go exploring! to surprise valley, the place right on the cusp of oregon and california- modoc national forest... sitting here with the atlases by my side and google maps on the screen, my curiosity and antsyness has me by the balls, gripping my imagination and i want to run!
play and dream under the sky, with the companionship of my man and my pooch, when we find the right one...
arr
04 November 2006
insecurity. i hate the word.
If I can't deal with my own insecurity, I go somewhere else for reassurance. It's simple, I say what I'm feeling, and I either get the support I'm looking for or I don't. So, I'm either searching for someone to tell me I'm everything I'm hoping to be, and more, and not any of the things that I hate about myself, and I'm satisfied... until I'm not. Then, I'll search again, for reassurance that I'm good, I'm okay, I'm beautiful and I'm not a terrible person. Even though deep down I know I am who I am and I'm okay with that, I may not know who I am all the time, and then I catch it, the insecurity bug. It's selfish, it's cruel, it's fucked up, and at the same time it's human nature, to need, to want, to know that I'm wanted.
And I know it's not only me. But, when it comes my turn to reassure and tell the only person who is my life right now that it's okay, I'm here to stay, and I may not know why but I know I want to be, for reasons unbeknownst to anyone but my soul, my conscience and my judgement. And there's nothing I can do about it- I can't deny that I'm addicted to his love, to his presence, personality, companionship and being, and there's nothing I would do to harm that.
But I catch myself being too selfish too often, and being inconsiderate to his feelings and similarities to me. I may be blind to our differences so much that when peace is starting to be altered it scares me and I retreat, and end up saying the wrong thing, doing more harm than good in the worst way possible, only because I don't know how to fix it or what to say to make it better. To reassure him that he is wonderful and everything I could have asked for and more, but don't ask me why. And don't ask me why asking me why makes me uncomfortable, because to me it makes no sense, scares me shitless and confuses me because what I know is right is right in all ways, and when I'm forced to doubt it I can't. I don't doubt it. And when the door shuts between us I get defensive and we clash, but what is that, love? To be accepted the next morning, unrestrained in unconditional love, is it normal? Whatever it is I'm glad we have it.
Insecurity. I hate the word.
It creeps up my skin like a thousand crawly fire ants, harmless unless provoked. I want to wash it off both our skins, soak our bodies in hydrogen peroxide and boil the uncertainty away. I feel deficient in knowledge of assurance. How to say what feels good, and expresses everything but instability, because that is what we need to be for each other.
I don't know any better way to say it but to wait like a shamed and bashful dog, scared of everything, for him to stumble upon this dumb blog- private thoughts made public, and read it for himself because I can't work up the courage to say something, anything at all, to make it worse or make it better. That's my stupid insecurity, that no matter what I say will be stupid, and being quiet is even stupider, and therefore I remain misunderstood. Fuck.
And what is this?
And I know it's not only me. But, when it comes my turn to reassure and tell the only person who is my life right now that it's okay, I'm here to stay, and I may not know why but I know I want to be, for reasons unbeknownst to anyone but my soul, my conscience and my judgement. And there's nothing I can do about it- I can't deny that I'm addicted to his love, to his presence, personality, companionship and being, and there's nothing I would do to harm that.
But I catch myself being too selfish too often, and being inconsiderate to his feelings and similarities to me. I may be blind to our differences so much that when peace is starting to be altered it scares me and I retreat, and end up saying the wrong thing, doing more harm than good in the worst way possible, only because I don't know how to fix it or what to say to make it better. To reassure him that he is wonderful and everything I could have asked for and more, but don't ask me why. And don't ask me why asking me why makes me uncomfortable, because to me it makes no sense, scares me shitless and confuses me because what I know is right is right in all ways, and when I'm forced to doubt it I can't. I don't doubt it. And when the door shuts between us I get defensive and we clash, but what is that, love? To be accepted the next morning, unrestrained in unconditional love, is it normal? Whatever it is I'm glad we have it.
Insecurity. I hate the word.
It creeps up my skin like a thousand crawly fire ants, harmless unless provoked. I want to wash it off both our skins, soak our bodies in hydrogen peroxide and boil the uncertainty away. I feel deficient in knowledge of assurance. How to say what feels good, and expresses everything but instability, because that is what we need to be for each other.
I don't know any better way to say it but to wait like a shamed and bashful dog, scared of everything, for him to stumble upon this dumb blog- private thoughts made public, and read it for himself because I can't work up the courage to say something, anything at all, to make it worse or make it better. That's my stupid insecurity, that no matter what I say will be stupid, and being quiet is even stupider, and therefore I remain misunderstood. Fuck.
And what is this?
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