untitled.

Something inside me has been screaming and I don't know how to shut it up. Ever since the trip to Oklahoma and found myself uncomfortably ill a few weeks ago, things have been practically impossible to get back to somewhere clear. If it's not one thing about my body, it's another, and more vitamins and less sleep and more false stimulation and just as much mind-blowing experience have gotten me nowhere but even more stressed out, for no reason.

I've been almost uncontrollably bitchy, and breathing deeper makes my gut wrench and hurt even more, when all I want it to do is calm. Even I've been so pissed at everything around me and so pissed off at myself, which pisses me off even more, and makes me just want to tell myself to go away, shut the fuck up, deal with it and take a damn chill pill.

Today I'm on a roller coaster again, freaking out about moving backwards to take a step forwards in my job and not knowing how to start, although somewhere deeper inside I feel confident that I'll learn all I need to know and have a foot ahead in knowing what I do already know, but feel shoved to the wolves anyhow. I feel angry at the people I work with, and know that it's only making it more difficult for them to trust me, and help me, and me to help them is a stretch for my selfish and angry soul. What is going on???

I really enjoyed being around my closest gals this past weekend, and they helped me to see that it is true, that my life is really going somewhere here, that I have a fantastic situation, with my man, my home, my life, that whatever it is that's tearing me apart emotionally is nowhere near where it could be, and I'm doing fine.

So there's nowhere else for me to go but onward and upward, and the evil in me will be tough going, to quench my thirst for life I need to keep up with my needs and desires, and that is to help my guy when he helps me, and put the extra effort out to be the person I want to be, for him and me. There was no reason good enough for me to leave him downstairs with my selfish bitchass upstairs, doing all this work for me, when I fight myself, and lose. Miserably. So I extend my apologies and know that I can be there, and know that just because I'm tired and the thin energy had all gone on a thread, stick to it, and be there. I do want to learn and help, and if his making excuses about little sh*t infuriates me, then why in the world can I justify my excuses and expect them to not infuriate him.

SO I contend to breathe deeper and take care of myself, know that I am loved unconditionally and there is nothing I can do to stop myself from returning the ...favor. It is what it is, and my father my mother my brothers and my love, even if the fortune cookie I keep in my wallet is telling me the truth, there is no way I could ever be alone.

Only four more hours.