(The rant following includes bitching about self, relationships, communication, cramps, and 3,000 miles of continent- another blog full of potentially damaging content)
Chris was right, I'm not acting like myself today. And that's the thing- how could I possibly act like anyone but myself. I am myself, on good days and on bad days. So I seem powerless, or less powerful than normal, he says. And shit, his observation was one hundred percent accurate. Emotional, pissed off, out of my mind. I don't want to hang out with someone who turns me into what is even more like myself, a bitch. A raving pants-wearing controlling bitch. But seriously, should I have to ASK someone to clean up his dirty snot rags off my bedroom floor, to throw away his own beer bottles before leaving, to help me keep my peace, to respect my bedroom and put down the toilet seat, and by the time you're in your 30's and you haven't learned to respect a house full of women, then there's seriously something fucked up going on here. Is it worth it? Do I have to teach, train, show someone what it means to me to be respectful? Responsible, and considerate? I want to be around someone who is inherently respectful and knows how to clean up after himself. That's just low. Fucking low... I know what it's like to enjoy the company of respectful and mature human beings. There is no comparison. It's a waste of time.
Then again, not everything revolves around me either, but finding a process of effective communication and attaining the goals of all involved... all parties can be happy- no compromising, no yeilding and no manipulating. The principle of least interest is in effect here - I have the least interest in the relationship, therefore I have more power. I have nothing vested in it. It's pure distraction. The need for human contact. The need for drama. Is it worth it. I've got more emotions vested in the other relationship that is virtually impossible and inattainable at this moment in time... have more fun chatting and satisfying my guilty pleasures over the cyber-waves than dealing with the repercussions of a once-in-a-while slob whose flaws outweigh any qualities a hundred to one. There are better results from fantasies and dreams and ideas for the futre than from immediate reality. Dammit.
Back to my brother's old mantra- "make friends with your lonliness, it's all you've got."
Today- lights for a gypsy concert at the Rio, home shower, food... Think of nothing. Mind free and open, breathing deep and letting the feminine hormones flow through uterus and breasts, let the blood flow and veins pulsate with nature. No forcing anything that can't be natural by itself, emotions included. First things first. Focus on the here and now, not the what could be or what shouldn't be.
Hazzah.
2 comments:
I totally get your not acting like yourself. I feel like I haven't been acting like myself ever since I fully entered the rat race. But then what other choice do we have? Especially if we desire economic security with room to spare for some of the pleasures in life like fuzzy clothes and travel? As far as certain kinds of boyfriends go and their effects on our emotional state of being, being disturbed by them, what does that say about the social constructs of our society?
Love, Snake Babe
It does suck that "certain kinds of boyfriends" conform to society- who told them that they need to become the "reiging king in the pricipality of jerkdom; the essence of jerkiness, the embodiment of all that is jerky" (in the words of my communications professor). I for one cannot stand stereotyping and judgementality - but when I am not "acting like myself" I end up embracing my dark side and becoming entirely judgemental and stereotyping people left and right... It's easy to be lazy and categorize when things get difficult or touchy...
Anyway, thanks for your comments. It helps.
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